It Takes a Village

I am sure we have all, at one point heard the phrase that it takes a village to raise a child.  Well, in today’s society, of divorce, single parenthood, and blended families, I would hazard to say that that is even more true today, then when it was coined.  I feel I have some expertice in this matter, which gives me right to share.  Of course, as this IS my website, that kind of gives me the right to go on about anything I choose, but I would rather it be something relevant at least.

When my ex-husband and I were having problems in our relationship, we tried very hard to keep the kids out of the whole mess.  Our feelings for each other, and our realization that we weren’t growing together in a way that was ever going to result in a lieftime of happiness for ourselves OR our children, was very difficult.  My kids were 9 and 13 at the time, tough ages at the best of times.  I am not going to go in to long and boring details about all the trials and tribulations, because that isn’t what I had intended to spend my time discussing today.  What I have to contribute here is how we, as co-parents of kids, made the important decision every separating couple should make, to put the kids first and work together to continue to raise, healthy, well adjusted adults.  We were incredibly successful.

I have plenty of friends and relatives who have ex’s, and I am so angry every single time I hear that their children are pawns in the drama of their ended relationships.  Tut tut.  When any adult relationship, that has resulted in the creation of little people ends, a new one begins.  They become co-parents who are supposed to take the adult road, and help their kids adjust to this life-altering situation.  It can be very successfully done.  First and foremost, the children need to be first, not the negative energy that comes from hating their opposite parent.  Kids need access to,  and the love and support of BOTH their parents, unless of course there is abuse, and then that is an entirely different issue.

I think one thing that Gerald and I both subscribed to, was the attitude that we never said anything negative about each other, in front of our boys.  Our relationship as husband and wife didn’t work, that was unfortunate, but our relationship as parents to Daniel and Jeremy, became the one that continues to bind us, in a very positive way.  We are, I can safely say, good friends.  I realize that is not the norm, and I would be remiss to add here, that it was something we worked at.  It wasn’t always roses and sunshine, but it was important for our children.

The work always becomes a little tougher when new partners come into play, that is a given.  Two parents become three or four, in some cases.  There are jealousy’s, time issues, timing issues, money issues, the list could go on as endlessly as the personality traits of all the people involved.  I assure you, it can be done, and it can be done well.  I am by no means an expert on relationships or child-rearing, but I know exactly what I experienced, and I think there are people who could benefit from some of my insights.  PUT THE KIDS FIRST.  I will reiterate, but that doesn’t mean forget that you are an adult, and a person who deserves to move out of a situation that doesn’t work, and move towards being happy.  A happy parent helps to raise a happy child.  I always love Dr.Phil’s quote “A child would rather be FROM a broken family, than IN a broken family”.  It is so simple, in theory.

I think the real proof that what we did worked, comes from the fact that, our young men are well thought of by their respective in-laws.  The parents of our daughters-in-law truly love our additions, to their families.  I think that speaks volumes.  And, another true testament is the fact that their step-mother, will tell anyone that we did exactly what we set out to do, put the kids first.  We still have lasting relationships with all the members of both families, because we still feel as if we are all still family.  It may get a tiny bit difficult to explain who I am to my sons’ almost 4 year old half-brother, but hey, it will be another challenge we will tackle together.  I have always been a small part of his life, as we have always continued to have family gatherings.  Graduations, birthdays, weddings…have all been shared.  Some have been here in Alberta, where we have hosted and, more frequently, in New Brunswick, where they have hosted.  Carol, Gerald’s wife, and I always get a little misty eyed when we are leaving, which may confuse alot of people, but we have been through alot with, and   for,  these kids over the last ten years or so.

That fact was especially brought home to me recently, when Gerald’s Dad, my ex-father-in-law passed away.  He lived in Halifax and it was right at Christmas.  Tough time for such a thing to happen, for many reasons, not one of which is getting airline tickets from Alberta to Halifax, for December 26th.  There was no question that I was going to be there, and I had to get Daniel there.  I needed to be there for my kids, and for the family.  And every single member of the family was truly grateful that I was.  They told me they needed me there, and I again felt, that we had done something very right in how we managed the co-mingling of our families.  Awesome feeling to have to explain your relationship with your ex-husband’s wife, to a funeral director,  who was flabbergasted when Carol and I were hugging each other.  The look of total amazement and disbelief was truly priceless!

I know that our situation is not typical in any way, shape, or form.  That’s a given.  My point here, and I have stated it a couple of times already, is,  we put the children first.  If more parents could even begin to try and do that,  we would have alot more adjusted young adults, who maybe have a better chance of finding,  and develop more constructive relationships.  It’s just a thought, and it takes alot of energy, but that’s truly what being a parent boils down to anyway.  Anything worth doing is worth doing right, and rasing kids should be the biggest expression of this.  There is no more important job, we as parents can have.