I came to bed this fine February evening, fully intending to play some soft music, in my headphones, so the music was in my head, relax and, hopefully drift off into a fairly uneventful sleep.  I wasn’t too long in realizing the OFF switch in my brain,  is stuck in the ON position.  Now normally when this becomes an issue for me, I toss and turn for hours trying to weed through a jumbled mess of thoughts.  Tonight I thought, why not give this writing thing a shot and see if I can bore us all into slumber.

It was a rather eventful day here today.  We have the grandkids and Anne visiting for the weekend.  We always try to do something fun with the kids when they come to see us, so the plan was a trip to West Edmonton Mall.  I don’t usually ever leave the house without hair and makeup done, and today was no exception.  I had shopped while I was visiting with a friend, at her store in Cold Lake, and had a brand new top I was dying to try out.   I  also had all my products and tools , and crack fill and primer, that I had been missing these last few weeks, so I was making it a good one.  Dramatic eyes.  Hair straightened just so.  Perfume….oh my I had missed wearing perfume.  My parents are very scent sensitive so I don’t even pack it when I go home, and as I hopped from there right to another trip, hadn’t had access to my preferred scent in two months.  J’Adore by Christian Dior, in case anyone was wondering. Smells as exotic as its name.

Anyway, as I surveyed my handiwork, I examined myself, in the mirror and actually thought, damn, I looked good!  Truth be told, I don’t often view my reflection, without finding fault and flaw.  I portray a pretty confident customer to most of the outside world, but here’s a little secret for those of you I have managed to fool, it’s quite often, an act.  I am confident in my ability to make someone laugh, in my intelligence and my compassion, in my strength and my heart.  I am not  always confident in the face I put out there when I leave the house. Body image, the very thought makes me shudder.  I very often will list myself, if asked to describe myself, as smart, funny, and sexy.  A total package.  I am confident that that is how a great deal of people see me, because that is exactly what I want them to see.  The old phrase, fake it till you make it,  is pounding in my brain, begging to be released!  There, it’s been said!

I guess where I really wanted to go with this, was just a brief rant about being careful what we say to each other.  I know better than alot of people, the damage that can be done by words.  My first marriage,  was for all intents and purposes, abusive in any way, and every way, that that can be clinically defined.  Now before anyone gets all poor you on me, I got out relatively quickly, and if there is anything that can be positively stated about such a situation, I know I am a stronger, more independent woman for having gone through, what I went through.  I was extremely lucky that I had the brains, and the ability to get out before I left  in an ambulance, or worst still,  a body bag, and before my son was old enough to understand what was going on.

Of all the things that were perpetrated on my person, the only one that left lasting scars, was the emotional abuse.  Sure, scenes of violence against women, in any form, in television and film, cause my heart to race and my palms to sweat, but I think that is because I have compassion, not because it triggers any specific memory.  That being said, I do live with the vague and, rather annoying, affects of having been beaten down about my looks, daily, for over a year and a half.  I KNOW, in my heart of hearts, that I am not fat nor ugly, nor stupid, but as a 19 year old, new bride, with a 9 month old baby, and residual weight from that, it was devastating to hear, repeatedly, daily.  It doesn’t matter who you are, or how strong your spirit may be, you hear something often enough, you begin to believe it.

In my case, I stopped doing my hair.  I stopped wearing makeup.  I gained more weight.  I wore sweat pants to the mall.  I shudder to think of that NOW.  The weight thing was huge, no pun intended.  Actually, maybe there was a pun intended.  I had no control over the direction my life was going.  He was unemployed, or between jobs constantly during our relationship.  He spent money that should have gone for food, milk, diapers, and went to strip clubs, or kept up his gym membership, so he could pump himself bigger.  I didn’t drive at the time, so he controlled who I saw and where I went.  The only thing I had total master over, was the food that went into my face.  And, boy did I hear about every single bite I took, every single time he was around.  Each time he asked me if I needed another cookie, I thought hell no, but shoveled in 2 more instead.  It was a vicious circle in more ways then one.

I have spent many, many, way too many, years trying to combat the hurt that was done.  I still have times when someone will pay me a compliment, and I will turn around and look to see who is standing behind me. I would say 95% of the time now, I know they are talking to me, especially on the days like today.  I looked in my mirror today,  smiled and thought damn I am hot, for an almost 44 year old Nana.  And, if I can leave you with anything tonight, it’s just to say, be careful what you say to each other.  It truly is true, that words once spoken, can never be unspoken.  Remember that with your spouse, your children, oh my especially your children, your elderly parent, or annoying neighbour.  We are almost all given the ability to say things that can do unthinkable damage to others.  The beauty in that, is that the opposite is also true.  We are almost all given the ability, and I think the duty, to say things that can lift the spirits,and help heal the broken.  If I can do nothing at all with the words I write here, expect make even one unhappy, even slightly damaged person feel that they have reason to smile, and that they are truly amazing and beautiful, inside and out, I will have been given the greatest gift.  Everything I suffered, and lived through will all be inconsequential, if you manage to smile today because you read something I wrote.

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me, and I hope you will continue to get something out of my ramblings.  It means  everything to me to have people find what I have to say interesting enough,  to take a few moments out of their busy lives, to delve a little into mine.