I decided today, just now really, that if I have something that is eating me up, good or bad, I feel better after I have taken a seat in front of this keyboard.  It will be interesting, even for me, to see where this one goes.

I am a flamboyant personality sometimes.  OK, probably fair enough to say, most of the time.  I look for, even crave, attention.  I know, shocking isn’t it?  I make eye contact.  I smile a lot.  I often show a little more skin than some of the other girls might.  You’d be surprised how many shots of my grandson, when he was a baby, had a little more of Nana’s cleavage than most photos, of grandmothers with their grandbabies.  I chalk that up to confidence, mostly, and a general feeling that I am who I am, and I don’t care what other people think about me.  Apparently, I delude myself.

Let’s debunk a couple of myths a few people may have been living under, in regards to me.  I am human.  I have feelings.  I get hurt.  It’s true.  I say I don’t care what people think, however, things said behind my back, when they surface, wound me deeply.  You have something to say about me, be an adult, and say it to me.  I have a great deal of respect for the person who can just come out and tell me that something I have said or done, hurt, offended or angered them.  I am appalled to know if I do anything that hurts someone.  I am, by nature, a nurturer,  and a fixer.  I want to FIX, everyone and make them feel better about themselves.  I know, having been in an abusive relationship, that I do not have the power to fix anyone, except myself.  I have no delusions about that whatsoever.  That being said, I spend lot of time with people who have some pretty deep seated issues, and my goal, in conversation, isn’t to take away their troubles, it’s to listen and try to find a way to help them smile through it.  If I manage to make them laugh, even better.  And, I am not above acting the fool, so someone laughs at me, rather than with me.  I am absolutely OK with that, because it was my intention.  Behind my back is a far different story.

My quest for attention sometimes costs me more than I get out of it.  People who can not express themselves as clearly or decisively as myself, for some reason, get offended.   I could reiterate, that I really don’t care if you like me or not.  You are entirely within your right NOT to like me, but show some respect for yourselves, and don’t take it to the gossip level.  If you are complaining about how I dress,  act, or speak, it says far more about you, than it does me.  It says you aren’t confident enough in your own value, that you feel the need to lower mine.  It’s sad really.  I could go with the old saying that if you are talking about me, you are leaving someone else alone, but what you really should do, is look inside yourself and see what your shortcomings are, and maybe focus on those for a change.  Take the energy you use trashing me, to seek some answers to your own demons.  I’d even be more than happy to help you talk through some.  I have a great deal of people smarts, and insights…what my friend’s at work used to call my “Dr.Phil’isms”.  That used to make me laugh, and I should probably start writing some of these online shots of wisdom down, they could nearly fill a book I think.  Wouldn’t that be ironic?  I get trashed, pull myself up, write a book, get rich, and all the people who were offended by me, would be running around claiming they knew me when.  When what, when they bashed me for what makes me famous?  That would be very sweet justice, indeed.

I am seriously sitting here thinking, that this a lot shorter than most of my ramblings, but has probably use up about all the energy I should spend on such a negative topic.  I don’t want to wallow in a woe is me attitude, nor make my readers feel badly, or sorry for me.  I am a big girl.  I can take care of myself.  I have been doing it for a lot of years now, and negative people do not bring me down, for very long.  I choose to see the glass as half full, and the positives in people.  Admittedly, it’s sometimes the thing that gets my heartstrings pulled to the limit, but, I wouldn’t change who I am for anyone.  I especially wouldn’t try and fit myself into a mold that narrow-minded gossips think I should be in.  I have lived through too much, and learned too many valuable lessons about myself to ever compromise me, that way.