I am not sure what is going on with me right now.  I am highly emotional, and feel far too much, just now.  If I hadn’t had a hysterectomy when I was 29, I would be chalking all this blubbering up to PMS, but without the appropriate girl parts, sometimes it’s a little difficult for me to pinpoint.  Those that live in my immediate vicinity may know the signs, but sometimes they elude me. Alleries make my eyes dry and itchy, not soppy and drippy, so guess that rules that out too, and I wasn’t drinking, THAT much last night.  Hmmmm, let’s try and figure this out.

First of all, I have been made very poignantly aware, in the last 24 hours or so, that there are so many people in my life that have lost a parent, or parents.  My heart is breaking right now, for the friend who lost her Mom, yesterday, the friend who lost her Mom, a couple of months back, who is living through her mother’s birthday today, the friend who gave up so much of  himself to care for his father, until he passed.  I admire each and every one of you so much.  I truly do not have any way of fathoming, the grief that you must have had to work through, but that you must live with constantly.

The biggest loss in my life, I have previously discussed.  My grandmother’s passing was one of the most devastating losses I have had to suffer.  It was crushing.  I can only begin to imagine that the passing of either of my parents, is going to feel fairly similar, only be tenfold.  I lost my grandmother when I was only 19 and had a young child dependent upon me, a husband and loads of family to support me and, force me to move past it.  It will be entirely different.  My biggest hope, when this becomes an actuality, is that I will be able to be the strength my kids need, but that there will be the people around me,  that will see how much strength I will need, from them.  I am not good at needing anyone, ever.  I like to think I only need myself, and I can do it all, but this is one issue I am certain, will have the potential to break me, if it isn’t handled correctly, by myself, and those who care about me.

I had the discussion with a very dear friend last night, about the distance I am from my parents, and how I think about it every time I get on the plane to come back here.  I don’t know, each time I screech down that runway, if the next time I get on the flight, will both my parents still be there to greet me.  To say none of us is getting any younger, is so clichéd, but so true.  This was especially brought home to me, when I recently went through the stress of Dad’s surgery.  It was twice delayed, and I felt so helpless, thinking about, what if I couldn’t be there.  I am a fixer, always have been, always will be, but the loss of a loved one, I won’t be able to fix, only bandage the best way I know how.

I also wonder, which would be easier, a lengthy illness, that you can prepare yourself through, or a sudden cessation of existence.  There are arguments for both, if I can be so bold as to put it that way.  In conversations with someone who has dealt with the long deterioration of a loved one, the pain of watching them lose themselves, and their abilities, feels devastating to me.  On the other hand, to have someone here today, and apparently fit and well, then have their light extinguished in a unforeseen instant, would be mind-numbing.  I think, either way that I will pray for numbness to be the order of my existence, at least for a little while.

I am also taking to pondering sometimes, the very real possibility that, in today’s unsettled times, my son is in the Canadian Armed Forces, he could be put into a position that could be life-threatening.  If the notion of losing a parent isn’t terrifying enough, imagine for a second, losing a child.  I have lost two pregnancies, which in itself, is heart-wrenching.  I can feel that pain today, just as intensely as I did then, if I give myself permission to, and I didn’t have the luxury of even meeting those angels.  I swear, I would need to be sedated with some pretty amazing drugs, if a military vehicle, with a couple of officers ever came a-calling at my door.  In all likelihood, as I am no longer his next of kin, that’s not what would happen, but the thought is crushing.  As much as I hate to think about it, the death of a parent is the normal circle of life, and as nature intended it, but the death of a child, that is not what any parent should ever have to deal with.  I was about to say, just there, LIVE with, but I don’t know how I could possibly live through that.  My kids and my grandkids, are my life, and to lose one of them would be more unfathomable than losing one of my folks.

I have watched the mothers on television that talk about how their sons or daughters have died doing what they loved, defending the freedoms of others.  I think their message is admirable, and I have huge respect for the parents who can stand up there, in front of those cameras and say that with such great conviction, but I am honest in my knowledge of myself, that would not be me. I would be heavily medicated and screaming about my loss, my heartbreak, my total devastation, at losing my child.  I think a large part of me would be selfish and think, take me too, if I am totally truthful.  I am sometimes too truthful, I think.  I would not be saying my son died doing what he loved, I say my son died because we couldn’t stay out of somewhere we had no business being.  I am sorry if that offends any of you, but it is my feeling, and I am entitled to it.  When my son was graduating basic training, people would suggest to me, how proud I must be.  I am proud that my son is succeeding at what he has chosen to do.  I am proud of my son, period, but I hate his chosen profession.  My father was military, I have had two husbands in the military, I have been surrounded by it my whole life, but it changes drastically as a mother, to have her child in TODAY’s military.  To lose a father or a husband to war is one thing, to lose a child to war would be unthinkable, unimaginable.

I guess, whatever I started to do  today, I have succeeded in stopping the flow of my own tears, so I count that as a plus.  I am a deeply emotional, sensitive soul, and I feel the pain of others intensely.  Songs with deep meaning, and soulful lyrics touch me.  The poor little salt shaker in the sidekicks commercial, touches me for heaven sake.  I am a bundle of mush over lots of issues, but when I see people I love touched and saddened, I bleed for them too.  Call me a sap, call me a GIRL, I don’t care what you call me, but know, that if you are important to me, I am firstly, going to tell you, and secondly, I am going to cry when you do, I am going to laugh when you do, and I am going to smile when you do.