I live in Western Canada, so anything is possible, but I think  Spring has sprung!  There are buds on my perennials.  The last trace of snow, from the pile that was the result of shoveling the deck off, is melted.  The grass is turning green.  And, I have made the decision I have needed to make, to make some changes, that are well overdue.  I have made this decision before, but never stuck to it.  I am hoping, that by posting this publicly, that I will be more able to feel a sense of accountability.

Maybe not all of you are aware, but I have some pretty serious medical conditions.  You probably don’t know because I do nothing that I am supposed to do to take care of them.  There, said it out loud, in a public forum.  There have been long periods in my life where I did everything right to take care of myself, but there have also been many many times where I have got the screw it kind of attitude.  I have been in situations where I have no control over a lot of my life, and sometimes I just want to have something that I can fix or break at will.  It feels like I am at a crossroad in my life where I need to take the right path, and start doing the do.

Let’s lay it out there.  When I was pregnant with both my boys, I had the pleasure of developing gestational diabetes.  Being very concerned with the tiny people growing inside me.  I did everything I needed to do, to make sure that was not something that could effect them.  It was no issue and both my boys were born healthy and BIG.  That is often the effect of this condition, and the only problem associated with that, was that I had to deliver them both by c-section.  Not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life.  Hey, they were big healthy boys with perfectly shaped heads!  Even better.

So, after delivery both times, as is the norm, the diabetes went away.  It is usually associated with the weight gain, I believe,  and the added stress on your body, I would assume.  Anyway, diabetes is rampant in my family.  My grandmother had it for the entire time I remember her.  I can remember how devastating it was for her when she had to go from pills to insulin.  She never believed she could give herself shots, and although I never saw her or heard her, my mother still speaks of her crying on the phone about it.  On my father’s side, I had an uncle who died many many years ago, who also suffered with this affliction.

Flash ahead just a few years, and I am 27, I believe, tired all the time, having huge highs and lows, drinking water like it is drying up, and this is the one I LOVED, I was dropping weight like crazy, and not doing anything to contribute to that.  I go to my doctor and she immediately sends me for some blood work.  Now, keep in mind, I had always told people, I have never smoked, I didn’t drink very much, never done drugs.  The only thing I was addicted to was chocolate, and that couldn’t kill me…woohoo!  I was about to find out how wrong I was.

Anyone who has had testing for diabetes, knows you have to fast, go for bloodwork, eat breakfast, go away for two hours, then have a second set of tests.  Well, let’s just say, I never got to the second set of tests before my doctor was calling me to tell me I needed to get to see her ASAP.  They wanted to admit me to the hospital immediately.  I can’t remember where my husband was at that time, but he was deployed somewhere, and I told the doctor, I couldn’t possibly go into the hospital before Monday, because I needed my parents to come look after the kids.  I assured her that I remembered what I needed to do to drop my levels, and I would before Monday.  She didn’t like it, but agreed.

I spent a week in the hospital, relearning what I had to eat.  And, for a long time, diet was all I needed to control it.  It was never under control to the point that is now considered acceptable, but I avoided medication for a few years, then graduated to a constant adjusting and readjusting of a variety of pills.  I did fairly well for quite a few years, although frequently got frustrated and just went off the wagon, so to speak.  It is and always has been, a control issue for me.  I know that.  At times when I have felt things in my life are out of control, I know the only thing I can hang on to is what I eat, or don’t eat.

In 2003, we moved to Alberta from New Brunswick.  I was doing what I needed to. although my blood sugar numbers were still kind of erratic.  My doctor had tried various drugs, and when I went to my first appointment with my new doctor out here, I told her I wasn’t happy with the fluctuations, so she got me started with a dietitian, and told me to come back.  I started being ultra careful, exercising, doing absolutely everything right, and low and behold, my sugars level slightly, but I start gaining weight!  I went back to her, concern and terribly frustrated, and she says to me, after seeing me exactly twice, that I was probably too skinny anyway!  My mouth dropped, and quite frankly, I was done!  I never went back, but did some research myself, and found that the medication I was on had exactly that side effect.  I quit doing anything right.  My thought, why bother, if I was depriving myself of what I wanted to eat and exercising, which I hated, and nothing helped, then screw it all.

I didn’t see another doctor for over three years, and the move to the big city prompted me to find a new doctor and get things back under control.  I saw her a couple times and on June 13, 2007, we made the difficult and terrifying decision that pills weren’t going to be the course of action anymore, it was time for insulin.  That very day, before I left her office, I was poking myself with needles.  I am grateful that technology is what it is, and that insulin now comes in epi-pens, which are far easier than syringes and alcohol swabs, but the news was devastating.

I could probably sit here and drag the next three years out, but I am not going to.  I will just openly and unashamedly announce that I am back to that screw it phase, and I have been doing nothing to look after this condition. The condition that could steal my sight, so I can’t see my beautiful grand kids.  The condition that could cause me to lose a foot or a leg, so I can’t run and play with my beautiful grand kids.  The condition that could shutdown my kidneys, so I am hooked to machines so I can’t take my beautiful grand kids to the park.  I think you are seeing where I am going.  I haven’t been taking my pills, which aid in the insulin resistance, my body has developed.  I haven’t taken my insulin, either the shots when I eat or the shot I am supposed to take at night.  I haven’t eaten the proper number of meals or snacks in years.  I used to blame that on my job, but I am not working, so no excuse there.  I am not exercising.  I am not sleeping enough.  The list goes on and on.

So, here I sit, with the newness of Spring, surrounding me, knowing full well, I need to make the changes I need to make, NOW.  It is about control, but I need to shift the control away from the negative and push it to the positive.  I have the control to ensure I am here to see my grand kids grown.  The course I am currently on, WILL shorten my life.  I think that is entirely a given.  I don’t have the right to put my family in the position to have to lose me, due to something I can control.  This isn’t like cancer that can’t be managed.  This is an entirely manageable condition, I have to get a hold on, and it has to be quick.  I feel the increased thirsty, and the terrible fatigue, and I have all the tools within my grasp to fix it.  I HAVE to fix it.  I can’t go one more meal without checking my levels and adjusting my shots.

I don’t know if writing this, so you all can see it, will be the catalyst I need to make this change, but I sincerely hope it is.  I have never been so brutally honest about how selfish I am being before this.  It is entirely selfish NOT looking after myself.  That is kind of a light bulb moment for me right there, right now.  I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy, I am asking for a huge kick in the arse.  I seriously think it is what I need.  How dare I do this, because I don’t just do it to myself, I do it to all the people who love me.  I probably should apologize, but I’m sorry would not be enough.  The only thing I can do to make this right, is do what is right.  Taking care of me, so other people don’t end up having to, is the only thing I can do, going forward.

So, I am making a solemn pledge here, in this forum, to make the changes I need to make.  I don’t mean starting tomorrow, or Monday, like we are want to do with diets.  As soon as I am done with this post, re-reading and editing, I am going to take the first step, and go upstairs and check my blood sugar, for the first time in months, eat a healthy lunch, get dressed and go for a walk.  I am going to come home, re-check my blood sugar, and go from there.  I thank you for reading this and, if you comment on my stupidity, to this point, I welcome that too.  Kick my arse, I deserve it!