I am trying something new today.  I am traveling, in the car, and going to see how I can do at writing, in a confined space, in a moving vehicle, with a damned seatbelt, keeping me from tucking my feet up underneath me, where they usually are.  Oh wait, just a second, I think if I take off my flipflops, adjust my seat slightly, this could work!  Let’s check: pepsi max in reach, Mars bar out of the sun, foot strategically tucked, good to go!

The reason I am on the move today, it that we are heading to Cold Lake. Sunday is Mother’s Day, and I am being a little reflective, as it nears.  I live a long way from my mother, and a long way from my youngest son.  That does make me grateful that I, at least have the opportunity to spend the day with my oldest son, and at least one of my grandsons.  We get to have the oldest one, briefly, as it is his father’s weekend, so we are LUCKY to get to have him for brunch.  I have an opinion on that topic, but I will keep it to myself, for now.

I have spent time, previously, talking about how tough it is to live so far from my child, but have never gotten very deeply in to my relationship with my mother.  This could get interesting.  Firstly, I love my mother.  I can’t stress that enough.  When my brother and I were young, she was often both mother and father, when my Dad was away.  The relationship between my father and brother, I believe, is directly affected by the fact that, in his formative years, my father wasn’t around for him, as a positive male role model.  That is unfortunate, of course, however, I was always “Daddy”s Little Girl”.  My Mom always stuck up for my brother, in anything, and I always had Dad’s vote.That is just the way it was.

In a lot of ways, I think my mother and I are very much a like, but in some pretty significant ways, we are entirely different.  It makes us very close, but it also causes some serious issues.  I am going to say this in the nicest way possible, Mom is very opinionated, and her opinion is always the right one. There are not 2 ways to do anything, there is one way, her way, any other way is the wrong way.  That’s just the way it is.  I can, as an adult, say that.  I couldn’t always, and I believe my daughters-in-law, are learning that lesson. I have seen first hand, how my mother’s parenting expertise has caused tears of frustration and self-consciousness, with Anne.  I sometimes have a severe sense of deja vu when I witness things my mother has said and done.

My mother would be very hurt to hear me say this, but where I judge no one, she tends to judge everyone. A very good example of this, that finally had me take a stand with her, happened, at the end of my second marriage.  Let me set a different stage for you, so you can see the context in which we will soon find ourselves.  When we were kids, my mother didn’t work outside the home.  The house was always immaculate,  my brother and I were always clean, to excess sometimes I think, breakfast was on the table when we got up, our lunches packed as we went out the door, and supper on the table when we got off the bus, or relatively soon afterwards.  It was great, as a kid, although, I am pretty sure I didn’t appreciate it then.

So, flash forward, and I was a single mother.  Daniel was 13 and Jeremy 9, when I split from their father, and we lived in a trailer park (please refrain just now from thinking what I know you may be thinking, I did not live in Sunnyvale!).  The place was nice, the park was clean, and safe.  I worked evenings, at a call centre, the 4-midnight shift.  As a routine, I got up when the kids were ready for school, to make sure they got off ok, then slept till early afternoon, got up, made them an early, cooked dinner, talked to them about school, then set off for work.  This went on for a relatively short time period, because I eventually got very sick.  As a diabetic, my eating schedule, along with my sleeping and stress levels, were crazy.  I had to take time off work and come back on the day shift.  I was so good at doing what I did there, they had no problem with that, but for about 6 months or so, we had a bit of a crazy life.

I remember very distinctly, my mother’s opinion on my parenting skills at this time.  Keep in mind, I had, at this point, listened to her rants about everything I was doing wrong, raising my children, for 13 years.  She was totally appalled that I wasn’t getting out of bed before my boys, and making them breakfast, because she always had.  She had taught me better than that. In the one and only time I ever stood up to her, I told Mom, in no uncertain terms, that as much as I appreciated that she had done that, staying at home, and being able to revolve my entire life around my kids, was not a luxury I, as a single parent had.  I effectively told her that the boys were my kids, and she had to let me raise them the way I saw fit, or keep it to herself from then on.  I was in a bit of a fit of rage when I said it, but I do remember thinking to myself, afterwards, that I had finally said what had needed to be said for a very, very long time.  I know, it probably very much wounded her to hear it, but it was well overdue.

I am going to again reiterate just now, that I love my mother, dearly.  It wasn’t easy to raise two kids, with little support and not even a driver’s license.  I know that, and I also know, that she tried very hard.  In retrospect, and in self-reflection, she gave me the basis of my personality.  They say a child’s traits are formed by the time they are 6, I believe.  That means, that a great deal of how, and who I am, in my interpersonal relationships with others, is a result of my mother’s influence.  My mother is very generous, and would do anything for anyone, and give anyone anything she had.  Sometimes what she has most to give, is her own “advice”, and, it isn’t always necessarily wanted or needed.

I hope in explaining some of this here, the younger generations she chooses to share her views and opinions with, will have a better understanding, and maybe even a tiny cushion against the harsher pieces of wisdom.  She entirely means nothing but good, that is an absolute of which I have no doubt.  Best advice I have for those reading who may be within her realm of existence, and subject to her opinions, is just listen, let her get it out, find the grain or two that is good stuff, and let the rest roll off. It took me a lot of years of internalizing, to finally realize, that I DID do a good job with my kids, and to be able to say that, with all certainty.  Poor Dad gets the worst of it, just think about that!  They will be married 45 years this summer, which by today’s standards is incredible, and by some, a true miracle.

So, as I approach Cold Lake, and Mother’s Day Sunday, starts to round the bend, I will wish all the Moms who read, a fabulous day with their families.  As well, those of you who have lost your mothers, I apologize for what may have sounded very critical.  I know, if your mother has passed, that you would more than likely love to have her here to bitch at you about anything, as she would at least still be with you, but you will forever hold her in your heart.  I know a couple of my dear friends are facing the first ones without their Moms, and my heart aches for you.  Your families will be your strength this weekend, take comfort in them.