I was up very early this morning, and saw someone’s facebook status, that caused me pause.  When I see the things that people write there, I really do pay attention.  I never copy and paste the ones about if you love someone, or know someone, or hate something, because I feel the people in my life are there for a reason, and if I have something important to tell them, I will send them an individual message.  I try to be at least entertaining in what I put out there for everyone to see.  The reason I even brought this up, is because, when I contacted this friend, to ask about the status, he asked me a very interesting question.  He asked me what was more important, money in the bank or happiness?  That was an easy answer for me.

I have been on both sides of the money issue.  During my first marriage, money was tight, to the point of frequently, non-existent.  I didn’t know where I was going to get money for food often.  I would have envelops, in my dresser draw, at the middle of the month, where I would put, half the rent, half the utilities, half of whatever bills were going to be due, at the end/first of the month, and go to add the remainder, only to find it gone.  I don’t have any idea where he spent the money, except he always had his precious gym membership.  My parents were forever bringing us food.  I stopped drinking milk, because we only ever had enough for my young son at the time.  We lived a very very poor existence.

In my second marriage, we lived in military housing, which was affordable.  We had two kids, relatively quickly.  We didn’t have a car, for the first year. We walked everywhere.  We took advantage of  swimming pools, parks, skating rinks, playgrounds.  The military environment does support families, in that there are tons of opportunities, for inexpensive, often free activities. OK, so they need to compensate for the fact that their members are owned and have no control over their lives, by providing distractions for the families left behind, when they are deployed all over, and doing training exercises for months at a time, but that’s another discussion, for another day.

There wasn’t a lot of happiness in my first marriage, so money wouldn’t have made that any better.  Second go around, we had lots of happy moments.  We had a very old tent trailer, my parents sold us very cheaply.  It leaked, it was a pain to set up, it was heavy to pull, but we had great fun with it.  We eventually traded up, and that was  nice.  He got promoted, I took in kids, while mine were young, and we had,  loads of fun, when he was home.  We didn’t have money in the bank, but our bills were always paid, we had a vehicle, and we managed inexpensive vacations.  Our issues had nothing to do with money, or the lack thereof.

We never got to the point where we were in a position to buy a home, but we were on track to eventually do that.  We started RRSP’s, retirement savings, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the term.  I eventually went to work outside the home, doing two jobs.  We were starting to have a bit more money, a few nicer possessions, 2 cars, education funds for the kids.  We even managed a vacation to Europe, which I still regard as some of the best times of my life.  We had lots of fun, and we were, generally happy.  No happier with the money, than without, I have to say.  We never really fought, about money or anything else really.  We obviously had issues, or we wouldn’t have ended in divorce.

My venture out into the world and amongst other adults, I believe, began the downfall of our marriage.  My ex-husband is a great guy, who I love to this day, but we weren’t growing together.  I made mistakes.  I was already the attention seeker then, and he was very dependent on me, to say the least.  I feel he lost his mother, as a teenager, and he was searching for a replacement. I don’t think I am talking out of turn here, nor that he would debate that.  He had a very tough childhood, to an extent that I am still not entirely aware, but we both had some pretty serious baggage.  Is there any journey in this lifetime, that doesn’t cause us to pick some of that up?  I hardly think so.  Rich people have that too, I am sure.  They might just carry it in Gucchi, rather than Walmart specialty.

So, now I jump to being a single parent, and I am back to money being tight.  I was in to a trailer now, so rent wasn’t being pissed against a wall.  That was good, and to be honest, with the mortgage and the lot rent, I was paying less than I would have been in an apartment.  I worked a job that, when the kids spent time with their father, I could make as much as I wanted to.  I could do extra hours, and I was making decent money, but had bigger responsibilities. I was miserable on the weekends, when my kids were gone.  Being alone was, and is still, my biggest nightmare.  I went out frequently, to avoid being by myself, but I didn’t really spend much money.  I can have just as much fun out at a club, drinking water as drinking alcohol, and I now lived far enough away from any club, to have to drive home.  Could NOT have afforded cab fare very often, for sure.  I was also in a relationship with a man, who was away, in Bosnia for 7 months.

That relationship developed to the point that, while he was on leave, towards the end of the tour, we searched for, found, and purchased a house.  Here’s where things got interesting.  We totally and completely kept our finances separate.  He paid the mortgage, the insurance, I paid everything else.  He had his credit cards and bank accounts, I had mine.  Even after we got married, it remained the same.  We now had a house, 3 cars, 2 decent incomes, vacations, mostly to see family but we still did lots.  We got into wine tasting, went to movies, every week, dinners frequently.  We had investments, and did major renovations on the house.  We had a pool, albeit, it was an above ground self-filling deal from Walmart, but we had a POOL.  I drove a convertible!

When we moved to Alberta, almost 8 years ago, we upgraded to  a brand new home, something I never really thought I would do.  When we moved here, to the city, we upgraded our upgrade, and now live in a show home, worth half a million dollars.  It still astounds even me, when I say that.  We have four freaking bathrooms,and two people living here!  We still have 3 cars, and a hot tub on the deck.  Neither one of us is working just now, but we have investment portfolios, and a lot of equity in this house.  Next question, are we any happier?

Unequivocally, no way.  Can I bury my unhappiness in all the things we have accumulated, yes, absolutely.  I can watch Dr.Phil on my big screen.  I can play or chat on one of 4 computers, throughout the house.  I can read from an extensive library, of fiction and non-fiction.  I can listen to music on any one of four stereos.  I can actually, watch TV in every room in this place, in front of a fireplace if I choose.  I can hide myself away, and pretend pretty well, that all the stuff matters enough to be happy.  It isn’t.  I have said it before, and I will say it again, here now, that I would trade everything, materially that I own, and move in to a tiny little basement apartment, similar to where I started my first marriage, minus the silver fish, to have all my emotional needs met, by one person, who is entirely into me and my happiness, as much as I would be in theirs.  How is that for honest, and ironic?

Do I think that is where that question was aimed, this morning?  No, I am pretty sure that wasn’t exactly where my dear friend was pointing me, but my brain works on its own track, and one never really knows where it can go, when led, even gently.  It usually tends towards the sexual, but I will certainly refrain from that direction, here, anyway.  That could be a topic for an entire book!

Please, don’t feel badly for me.  I am ecstatically happy, when my babies are here, or I am there.  I am not miserable.  I have amazing friends, and loved ones, who brighten my day, every day.  Some, make me laugh and smile like I haven’t in years, and that is entirely where I am focused.  To go back to the original query,  the happiness in my life, has nothing to do with money, and everything to do with interpersonal relationships.  I am definitely a people person, and that doesn’t take a penny to develop.  I feel rich in that way, I honestly do.