I don’t know how, or when I stopped believing in fairy tales, and happy endings, but, I have recently realized that I have become very cynical about, the myth of happily ever after.  The stories are all pretty, and rosy, and sweet, but the reality, isn’t necessarily so.  I met a couple yesterday, preparing to get married next Saturday, and I “jokingly” commented that I have been married three times, were they sure they thought they needed to do that, and recommended they reconsider.  It sounded funny and flip in the moment, but there was definitely a touch of realism in the comment.  I brushed it off, as an attempt at humour, and got the required laugh, so no one, I am sure, picked up on the tiny hint of sarcasm, carefully laced into the statement.

I know that my opinion on marriage, and the state of the institution, is probably deeply skewed.  No probably about it, I am a huge skeptic.  I believe that a marriage license should be like a driver’s license, renewable, after, say 5 years.  You have the option at that point, to renew, or choose the, no thanks, I’m done category, shake hands and walk away.  OK, that’s probably a little harsh, but something I have joked about for years, and finally got the opportunity to share it on a grander scale.

All the great fairy tales, have the handsome prince, riding in to save the damsel in distress, planting the greatest kiss in history on her perfectly tinted lips, throwing her over the back of his trusty stead, and galloping into the glorious sunset, to live the proverbial happily ever after.  Aw, how sweet.   And how totally unrealistic.  The reality is that Prince Charming’s crown quickly tarnishes, the horse drops turd all over the field of life, the perfect sunset can mask a desperate storm, and the castle roof, likely leaks when it does.  The Princess nags about the leaky roof , hates the smell of the horse crap, and starts quoting relationship advice from her magic mirror.

I think the big problem, as I see it, is that we all work so very hard to put our best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship, that we don’t always represent ourselves accurately enough, for the other to make an informed decision on continuing, until it’s too late, and too much is invested.  I speak from only my own experience, and based on conversations I have had with people who feel similarly.  I sometimes feel, in my current situation, that I was very much deceived.  The person I dated, fell in love with, and was totally and completely devoted to, isn’t the same person I sleep next to every night.

In the beginning, we spent hours, upon hours, talking on the phone, getting to know each, yes, but there was never a second when we had nothing to say to one another.  I checked off the box marked conversation.  In the beginning, I looked beautiful, and sexy, and WOW.  I checked off the box marked  builds self-esteem.  In the beginning, the sex was wild, hours long, and frequent.  I checked the box marked satisfies me sexually.  We liked the same movies, most of the same TV shows, same foods, had similar tastes in music, and humour.  I checked off the box marked compatibility.  I don’t believe that any relationship can ever be perfect, because we are humans, and therefore, unable of perfection, but it felt as if all the important things were covered.  Not so much.

We still have all the same things in common, still like the same things, and have great times eating out or seeing movies, where conversation is not required.  We don’t talk about anything important.  What do we have for dinner, what movie should we see, is there a bill that needs to be paid.  Great roommate topics.  We don’t talk about future plans, vacations, retirement, feelings, commitment, likes or dislikes.  It has been far more apparent to me since I haven’t been working.  I am a people person, who loves to talk.  That need was filled when I was out among folks every day, and selling, which is all about talking. Uncheck the communication box.

On to the self-esteem box.  It is also unchecked.  The closest thing to a compliment I have gotten in years is that I “look good”, and it is usually after I have made a comment that has solicited the response.  Why is it that that has to change?  A woman’s need for affirmation of her attractiveness doesn’t change, but quite often, once the prince has his ring on the princess’ finger, he lets down his guard, and no longer feels like he needs to tell her.  Guess what, if he doesn’t, some other Knight just might!  I know I get far more positive, and uplifting feedback from other knights, and thank God for it, because I have body image issues, and I need that, big time.

One BIG box left, and I am not going into details too much, on this one.  I am, like a lot of princesses out there, I am sure, missing very much that earth-shattering, perfect kiss, that leads to everything else.  I am a vibrant, sexual, sexy woman, in her peak, peaking all on her own.  I know I don’t feel loved, without feeling desired, rightly or wrongly so.  I know the prince usually complains that the princess always seems to have a headache, but this princess knows the best cure for a damn headache is a good orgasm!  So, sexual satisfaction box, also unchecked.

So, to say my opinion on marriage is slightly jaded, may be a bit of an under-statement.  I try not to share that with people who are getting married.  I didn’t share that with either of my kids when they were  heading that direction, towards their happily ever after.  Every one ‘s experience is different, in lots of ways, but in talking to other women lately, I realize that I am not alone, in feeling that my expectations of the institution have not been met….three times now for me, sadly.  I am realistic in knowing that the only one who can change my situation, is me, and at some point, I will need to do that for myself.  I watched a movie last night that started me on the path to this today.  It was all about the happy ending, but the main characters had to wait 50 years!  I don’t have 50 years!

As cynical as I  may have seemed here, I truly think, the fact that I am even thinking about all this might just be the indication that, the little girl in me is still looking for her fantastic ending.  I know the potential has to be out there. My parents are celebrating 45 years married in a couple months, so the example is visible.  The fact that I bawled when the main characters, in the movie, found each other, means my heart is open to the possibility.  I think that is a very good thing.  I think when your heart hardens, and you stop believing in the dream, your fate is cast in stone, with Arthur’s sword.  Maybe a part of me is Sleeping Beauty, and I am living a waking sleep.  Maybe the prince’s kiss is right around the corner.  Why did I just smile when I wrote that?  There still is a romantic in there, damn it!