A few days ago, a friend I have been conversing with for a few years, admitted to myself, and a lot of people, that he had been perpetrating a very large, and very elaborate ruse. We “met” in a chatroom, on a social networking site, and I am certainly not naive enough to believe that everyone on these sites are above board, and entirely honest in their representation of themselves. I was, however quite surprised, and hurt by this revelation.

Over the years that I have known this person, we have shared so much about our lives, our loves, and our losses. We have had lengthy conversations about topics from kids to death to relationships to physical wants and emotional desires. We have been close. He is a great deal younger than me, and when we first started chatting online, I was totally flattered by his attentions. The pictures he sent me were of a beautiful, well developed, well sculpted model-looking guy, and I could never quite understand why, he even gave me the time of day, let alone considered me attractive, and interesting and funny.

The longer we talked, the deeper our conversations got. I would like to think, over the last few years, that I gave him a lot of decent advice, on some really tough situations he was dealing with. I know, actually, that I did. I had truly believed we were extremely close, and I knew just about everything there was to know about him. I still believe that I do, but I had my eyes opened rather drastically, when his confession came across my screen this week.

You see, all the lovely pictures he sent me, except for one, were not of him. I don’t know who the guy in the pictures is, but it isn’t the guy I have called friend, who I have cried with, and laughed with. His answer to the question of why, is all about insecurity, and the need for acceptance, and to some extent. I understand that. I am not always entirely secure in my looks, and I probably was even less so, at his age. The biggest issue I have, is the length of time it took for him to come clean, and tell me. I felt that he should have known me enough to know that looks are not necessarily the only thing I see. Looks catch my eye, of course, but they aren’t what keeps me interested.

I am a pretty reasonable and forgiving person, and although I can forgive him, my biggest pet peeve, is people who lie. I can stretch the truth with the best of them, but I rarely lie, even if it would save my own ass in a situation. In the large majority of cases, I would rather just tell the truth and take my lumps. The problem with lying, is it never ends. One leads to two, leads to three, and they have to get bigger, and you have to remember what you told to which person. I am smart and all, but that takes far too much energy, if you ask me. I do, however. subscribe to the “don’t ask, don’t tell” theory, but that could be an entire topic for debate.

The trouble with a lie being the basis of a relationship, is that it is a terribly flimsy foundation. It makes it very hard to know where the fabrication ends, and the person begins. I don’t trust people online who use no picture, a picture of their dog, or a picture of a model. I have never represented myself as anything other than I am. Like me or don’t, and if the don’t is because of something in my looks, bug off and keep moving. I don’t need judgments on my person, about anything, least of all how I look. And, on the other side of that coin, is that I also don’t judge other people. That is one of my biggest attributes, as a friend, lover, confidante. I know I have no right to ever impose any form of judgment on anyone. Period. What people do, and how they lead their lives, is entirely none of my business, and I do not want it to be.

OK, yes, there are a couple exceptions to any rule. Rapists, child abusers, and anyone else who hurts another person, deserves far more judgment than I could ever give. To refer back to CJ West’s book, The End of Marking Time, those people deserve the red button, and nothing less. That’s not at all where I intended to take this particular post, but my thoughts do tend to get away from me sometimes, and as this is my place to rant, I will give myself that luxury, and you can fast forward if you like, kind of.

I am certainly not placing my friend, and yes he shall remain my friend, in to a category even close to what I was just rambling about. I know that he reads my writings, and the potential, and likelihood that some of what I have said here today may hurt him, and that was not my intention. I get something in my head and the best way to get it out, is to pound it out on my keyboard. I was hurt, not by the original falsehood, but by the knowledge that he couldn’t trust me with the truth, before we got 3-4 years into a friendship. I am quite sure he would not do the same thing, in the same circumstance, with me, but my hope, in all this, is that he realizes that, we aren’t all shallow individuals who would be impressed or less impressed by how he looks. Truth be told, a real man is always more attractive than a fake. There is one lie, revealed.