I am off!!! Now that can mean one of two things right now, and actually more likely DOES. I am off work, and I am about to run off at the mouth. Get ready, get set, and if you can’t handle a bit of bitching, maybe come back in on the next post, cause this one is going to be a bit brutal, me thinks! I hate when people moan and drip and complain on social sites, like facebook and twitter, and I try really hard not to, but this is MY website, and because it’s MY party, I can “cry” if I want to!

So, I had a hysterectomy back when I was 29, because of wickedly nasty, uncontrollable periods. I still have my ovaries, so I can still be affected by hormones, thus the name on my post. It may just be that I am pre-menstral hormonal, or just that I have a tendency to, frequently take too much to heart, but I have been crying off and on ALL day. Back in April, after many many months of not working, I took a job, that I instantly loved, and have consequently developed a love/hate relationship with. I love to hate it, or I hate to love it? Interesting question, with what could be a very difficult answer. I am not exactly sure what I would say is the perponderance of emotion on this one. It is a very fine and very tentative balance, on a daily, sometimes, hourly basis. It is a constant roller coaster, and on any given day, I can love it and/or hate it, in many stages.

A few weeks ago, the bottom fell out when my best sales person went on vacation for two weeks, and even with my best planning, training new people to replace her sales, failed miserably. I stipulated in bold and bright letters, when interviewing for this position, that I am at a stage in my life where I will NOT sacrifice family, on any level, at all. Period. Well, I found myself placed in a spot where I felt, with only two months in, that I was already doing that, and I made it known, loud and proud, that I felt this way, and I was unhappy about the whole situation. We came up with a compromise. It wasn’t perfect, but it proved I was commited and that they understood my stand. Fast forward a few weeks, and things are progressing nicely. Numbers are coming up, hours are increasing, reps that I am working with are moving forward with their stats, and I am back to loving my job. Don’t get me wrong, this is the best paying job I have ever had, with the best perks and benefits, and in the current economic situation, I am grateful to have a job I can say that about. However, it isn’t all about money. It is more, at 45, about the quality of life, and happiness in myself.

Now, we come to this current week, and more specifically, the last few days. We are back in the spot where we need people on my team. To help me out, last week, my immediate supervisor did some interviewing for me, and hired 6 people for me to train. Training is definitely my strong suit, and I get the respect of my people, because I go out on the floor, and I walk the walk and talk the talk, so that I understand their daily trials and tribulations in this profession. We sell credit cards to a popluation that is getting smarter and more savvy about their finances and what credit does or does not do to help or hinder them. It isn’t a job for everyone, and it can be tough. I generally enjoy the job because I know how to speak to people, how to convince people, and how to, most importantly, read people. I know the fine line between assertive and aggressive. I know who I can push just a wee bit farther, and who I need to wish a nice day, and very very rarely make the mistake on that one. My bosses call it the “X” factor, and want me to find and train little “Cindys”. Well, my boss didn’t get that one right in the 6 he hired.

When I called everyone to set up training, my week looked like it was going to be very full and very productive. Well, 2 of the new hires, can’t start on the floor because they have no current picture ID, and I can’t do a police background check without that. Scratch them, until they get that sorted. Another guy is from Greece, and he had a friend get really sick and he had to boot it back to Greece…for a MONTH! Guy number 4, sprained his ankle, the night before training. Did I fail to mention that this job is constantly WALKING? Yah, no go there either. Girl number 5, is such a good wife, that her husband hurt his knee, and she can’t work because she has to look after him. Love the commitment, it might have been GREAT for the job too. And, then we come to the only one I have left. I barely understand her when she speaks, and she needs at least two weeks notice from her other job, before she is ready for training. Six hired, and as yet, none trained. Great record!

So that brings me to be doing interviews twice this week. Tuesday, I interviewed six more people, and was handed another candidate by my boss. I set up training, again, and let’s just see if my readers can guess what happened. I think you guys are intelligent enough to catch on. Every one cancelled, again. To be fair, two girls are starting next week, but the rush was to get people trained and productive this week so we were getting numbers next week. And, today’s candidates started with a guy, who showed up in dirty ripped faded jeans, and no front teeth, who, according to himself, has NO weaknesses! Let’s try on common sense, fashion sense, and oral hygiene. The next two were no shows, and I did manage to hire two that have great potential. I will be one busy beaver next week training five new sales people, and then the big challenge of retaining them, and a proper sales per hour level. Piece of cake, right? Not if the numbers this week continue.

So it looks like I could be in a good place, until I add here that one rep I worked with diligently, for the last six weeks, and was showing great improvement, had his car engine blow up, and he can’t get transportation to and from work, for a few weeks. Scratch another prospect for retention. And, today, as I am moaning crying and stressed out, a long term rep gives me his two weeks notice, as he is returning to school. Add to THAT, the fact that every single store is barren and dead, with no customers in sight, and my sales person who normally gives me between 90-150 applications per week, is currently sitting at FOURTEEN, and only one has moved in to the twenty range and I have absolutely no way of making this week’s targets, that I almost guaranteed I could produce, just yesterday! I, for lack of a better phrase, am screwed!

Now, my boss did tell me today, that HIS boss was very understanding about where we were sitting this morning, and realizes we are doing all we can, but he didn’t know how bad this could potentially be, because I didn’t until this afternoon. I usually take myself in to a store, Friday afternoons, and promote my skinny little tail off, and do very well, and that had been my plan today. I planned to grab some lunch then go rock and roll me some numbers, until my best rep called me and told me she couldn’t get anything, and every other person I had out on the floor, was having the same issue. I have been crying, second guessing myself and doubting my ability to do this job all day, and I just know I would NOT have been able to handle the customer rejection today, without hitting someone with my clipboard, or breaking in to tears, and bolting! People suck! There, I feel better getting that out. Might have been a tad random, but that is kind of who I am.

The decision I made for myself, after texting my boss and getting zero response, and over a cold bowl of split pea and ham soup, at Tim Hortons, was to take myself home, to regain the energy to fight again tomorrow. I have to say, I sobbed, and bawled and swore, on the entire ride home. I have the support of the sales people I manage, and I got plenty of pats on the back from them, and a manager on another program, even a couple of much needed hugs, but I am my own toughest critic. I internalize, and personalize all that I feel is failure. I have had essentially no control over any of the situations I have come up against this week. Realistically, I know that. Emotionally, I don’t, damn it! So, here I sit, bitching in this forum, instead of at anyone in particular, sipping a very nice raspberry vodka, and lemonade, contemplating what to fill my belly with, before this drink has me flat on my ass. Writing always puts things into perspective for me, and this has definitely been the case today. I warned everyone when they started reading, that it might not be exactly what I usually write about, but it has been my saving grace. Sometimes just having a place to safely spew out what I am feeling, let’s it all out, so I can regain my confidence and my strength, and if someone can relate, even a touch, then that is an added bonus for me.