Shadow

Yesterday morning, my youngest son called me with terribly sad news.  It was not unexpected news, but it was still tough to hear, and I am finding, tough to handle.  Our dearly loved, furry family member, Shadow, is gone.  Shadow was a domestic, long-haired cat who has been in our world for 19 years plus.  I generally have absolutely no trouble formulating my feelings, and emotions into lucid paragraphs, but this one might be difficult to explain.  You can try to follow along, but I am making no promises on this one.

Huge rewind in time here, but the weekend before Jeremy started Kindergarten, we took a trip to the SPCA, and fell in love with this two year old bundle of fur, with the hugest yellow eyes.  Most folks, when they visit a shelter, are looking for the tiny little babies, but we had a tendency to gravitate to older, maybe what could be considered less desirable, harder to adopt residents.  As is the practice at the SPCA, they always get you to wait a day or two to take home a new family member, so we had to wait to pick him up.  It is so easy to remember how long it has been, because he actually came home on the day Jeremy started school, and Daniel’s first day of grade two.  For anyone who isn’t aware of my family dynamics, Daniel will be 27 in January and Jeremy just turned 23 a couple weeks ago.  That, in and of itself, will tell you just how much of the history of our lives, one very lucky cat entered into, that September day.

I maybe don’t remember a lot of the specifics of his early time with us, I just always remember him being there, and loving to have his chin scratched by me.  You see, for the last 14 years, I have only visited with him when I have gotten the opportunity to.  When my ex-husband and I split up, that many years ago,  I knew he would be terribly lonely whenever I had the kids with me, and I made the decision to let him stay with him.  It was tough, but I knew it was the right decision.  Every single time I went home to New Brunswick, after moving to the west, I have spent time at Gerald and Carol’s, and always made a point to see Shadow.  The first few years, he would always come see me, and purr up a storm, lean into the scratches, and relish in my expensively maintained gel nails.  The last few visits, have been different.  He had become pretty much deaf, and Jeremy always had to go and find him, and bring him to me, for a visit.  I always made sure it was a part of every trip.

This past trip however, just only in the last couple of weeks, when I saw, and felt him, it was quite apparent to me, that he was fading.  He was so thin and frail, you could feel his bones.  His fur was not as shiny, and was kind of matted and dull.  His eyes actually, when I think about it in hindsight, seemed a little distant.  And, probably most telling, even though he stayed and stretched his neck for his scratches, I couldn’t get him to purr for me.  If there hadn’t been so much going on with my granddaughter’s birthday, I may have realized then, that the likelihood of seeing him again, may have been pretty slim.  It may be that he wasn’t “my” cat anymore, for a lot of years, but my heart is broken just the same, knowing I won’t see him next time I am home.  And as devastating as it is for myself, I feel genuinely crushed for how hard this must be on Gerald, and his family, who have had the joy of him in their home for all these years.  I honestly knew that it would be hard, whenever I got the news that he was gone, but I am surprised by the intensity of my own emotions right now.

I am going to try to explain it, maybe more for my own understanding than the reader’s.  It feels very much like the end of an era.  It’s almost like the passing of this cat signifies more the final tiny thread that was that family I knew.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that my ex-husband and I splitting, and the subsequent relationships we have all formed, are all exactly as they should be.  I am certainly not suggesting in any way, shape or form that we should have stayed together in that kind of dynamic, because we are all so much better in the family, and extended family we have created, but it definitely feels like the slamming of a door, I didn’t even know might have still been slightly ajar.  Shadow was a part of my kids’ growing up, a part of the happy times that we had as a family, even in the more recent years.  Every major family event, be they births, birthdays, weddings, even funerals, there were times we have spent at Gerald’s, and he has always been there, always darting here and there, avoiding children mostly, if truth be told.  I am not even sure I am making entire sense to myself, just kind of rambling.  Sometimes just writing things down, I can kind of sort them out in my own mind, but suffice to say, I am feeling more than just the passing of a dear friend.  I am mourning, not just for my own loss, but for what we have all lost.

I wise friend said to me yesterday, when I was expressing how badly I felt, considering I saw Shadow so infrequently, that it’s just like living away from your parents, you don’t see them often, but you still love them and miss them.  When you are a true pet-lover, they are a huge part of your family, and you love them, and more importantly, they love you, unconditionally.  I know he remembered me every time I came to see him, and I will never ever forget him.  His spirit in emblazoned on my heart, and I truly and honestly hope he is somewhere right now stretched out in the sun.  Good bye is never easy, but we were all blessed to have 19 years of memories, and that will be the focus going forward, as soon as the tears dry.