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I have been emotionally wrung through a very large wringer the last couple of weeks, and it’s time for me to sort out some feelings, in the best venue I have, this “place”.  Bits and pieces of this “story” have been bashing around in my head, and threatening to do me serious bodily harm, if I don’t give them voice, and really, who am I to argue?  I started this website because I have always loved to express myself in writing, and thought there may be some folks who wouldn’t mind travelling this journey with me.  I have never felt anything but better, after sitting at this keyboard, and therein lies my motive for today.  Shall we?

Just over two weeks ago, the world as my family has known it, for about 8 years, drastically changed, forever.  My oldest son, and his wife ended their marriage, suddenly.  I am not going to go in to details here of the who’s and the why’s, or the characters in play.  I am not going to bash anyone or point fingers, but sufficed to say, this has been devastating, as a parent, as a grandparent, and as a mother-in-law, to watch happen.  I went to bed on a Saturday night, all of those three things, and with one 3 AM call, that all changed.  Before I go too much farther, I want to clearly state, that my son and his children, will have anything, and everything they need, from me.  I am here, any time, morning, noon or the middle of the night, but the toughest thing for me is to watch the roller coaster of emotions my son is having to endure.  When our children are little, a bandaid and a kiss fixes every booboo.  This is a catastrophic destruction of a family unit, that no one can fix.  All we can do is choose to move on, and work together to ensure these innocent children do not get caught in any crossfire.  My kids are examples of how co-parenting children, with only their best interests in mind, can and does work.

All that being said, things have happened that may never be fully forgiven, in my heart at least.  You can’t watch your child destroyed, broken, and miserable, at the hands of another, and get over that, or at least I don’t know if I can.  I feel a different kind of loss, and fear.  I had, what I considered, a good relationship with my daughter-in-law.  I felt we were close.  I have a huge emotional connection and love for her oldest son.  I have been his “Nana” since he was a year and a half, and he is now 9.  I am very afraid of the loss of that relationship.  I haven’t seen him since Christmas, and the state of things as they are, means I don’t know when I will see him.  That’s heartbreaking, in and of itself.  I don’t want him to think I feel any less for him then I did before all this happened.  I don’t want him to think he could ever NOT be my grandson, but maintaining a relationship this way, can only work, if it’s allowed to.  I don’t even know where I stand on this one, as no one has told me that I won’t have to worry about that.  And, I am honestly, not yet in a place where I feel I want to open a discussion with his mother on this issue.  The wounds are too fresh, the anger to acute.  No one is perfect in any marriage, and it takes two in any situation, but my son did a damn good job at being a good husband, and he is a great step-father, and dad, but he just lost everything.  He goes home to an empty house, without his little guy running to the door to see him, and I hurt for him.  I am not willing to bury any hatchet and extend a hand out to the person who has done that, just yet.  But, that being said. I will fight to see my grandson, if it comes down to it.  It likely won’t.

So, in the midst of all this chaos, in the middle of all this heartache, and gallons of tears, and on the other side of the country, I have another daughter-in-law, on the verge of giving me my fourth grandbaby, and flights booked to head home.  Through the week prior, with all the nastiest we were dealing with here, I lost all my excitement about my trip, and all I could think about, was what else I needed to do to help, on this end.  However, when I got the call the afternoon of the same day I was flying out, that our beautiful girl was on her way, I was thrilled, ecstatic,  and emotionally ready for some good news!  She was born February 1st at 8:06 pm, weighed 7 pounds 6 ounces, and I held her in my arms a mere 18 hours later.  She is perfect.  If you hold her picture next to my baby picture, you can certainly tell she has some of me in there.  I was honoured with the gift of spending the first six days of her life cuddling her, changing her, feeding her, smelling her.  Newborn babies have the best smell in the world.  If they could bottle THAT, they would make a killing!  All the heartache of the week before melted away when I held her.  And, I enjoyed having time with my older granddaughter and her parents, as well, of course.  It was beautiful.  They are a beautiful family.

Of course, there were phone calls from Alberta, and I am constantly reminded how fragile everything can be.  I very often wish I could be in more places than one, especially when both my kids need me, for entirely different reasons, and at the same time. I have ridden some of the lowest possible lowest, right along with some of the highest mountains of highs, these past two weeks.  We have a lot to rebuild.  We have a lot of work ahead of us.  Our lives, and our family dynamics have changed drastically.  When a marriage ends, or a child is born, it isn’t just 2 or 4 or 6 people involved, hurt or elated, it’s an entire family.  The ripple effect of good and bad, moves ever farther outwards, and touches many.  “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction” is a quote from Newton, and been exemplified tenfold, in my mind of late.  On one side of my family, we are one person short, and the other, one person greater, all in the same week. It just feels like someone decided to play a cruel and unusual prank on us, to keep us grounded.  If that’s the case, bring it on.  My family is strong.  My sons are strong.  We will get through all of this, and be stronger, tighter, and more united, then ever.  We are up to the challenge, and we will do what we always have, we will be there for each other, whatever the cost, whatever the need.  There is no other choice.

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