Tracks of My Tears

I am going to share a little known fact about myself, that isn’t really very important, in the grand scheme of things, or probably to a lot of people either.  I was born with underdeveloped tear ducts, and until I was well into my twenties, and maybe as late as my thirties, I never really cried tears.  I have enough moisture to keep my eyes hydrated, most days, but not enough to ever squeeze out more than one, possibly two tears on any given occasion.  That’s not to say that I don’t cry, because I cry very easily.  I do when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am mad, which makes me angrier still, if I am overtired, at sappy commercials on TV, or pictures of cute kids, or puppies.  And, recently at least, I cry when I see my son hurting.

Anyone who follows this blog, or knows me on-line, or off, knows there has been a lot of crisis in my family, of late.  I have a child going through the toughest time of his life, as his marriage is shattered, and his life totally turned upside down.  He is running such a gamut of emotions, and riding such highs and lows, and I am trying everything I can to help, in any way I can.  I am being as strong as I can, for him, and my grandkids too, truth be told.  The toughest part, is living a three hour drive away.  There is only so much I can do, and often I find myself just  listening to him on the phone, while he talks out his feelings, good and bad.  I try to hold my tongue on as many things as I can, as I know, ultimately, he needs to do what he needs to do, to make a new life for himself, as a single Dad.  I have no doubt, at all, that he will do a fabulous job, and I will continue to do whatever he feels he requires me to do.

With that wee bit of background, I will explain why I brought up the whole tear issue.  I have been out of town for work, the past three days.  Usually, when I am driving to or from any location, I end up calling someone, on hands free headset, of course, to keep me company, while I travel.  This trip had me about three hours from home, and no one to talk to, and too much time to think.  I rehashed a lot of the past few weeks, the hurts, the anger, the betrayal, the could’ves, should’ves,  would’ves.  I know I am quite often my own worst enemy, as I over-think just about everything, and today was no exception.  I had the tunes cranked, and as a song came on (Pink’s newer one called Try, in case you feel like looking it up), I found myself singing out loud, and bawling!  By bawling I mean, sobbing, gut-wrenching, agony induced weeping.  I feel like I should probably have pulled over, and not race down highway 16 at 120 kilometres an hour, with my eyes starting to fill up, but I just had no desire to STOP, if that makes any sense at all.  I wanted to drive fast and scream!  I wanted it all out of me, and as I felt not one, not two, but a few tears start running down my cheeks, I licked my lips, and, for the very first time in my life, I tasted my own tears.  I know, that probably sounds like a very strange thing to even be aware of, let alone consider a life-changing moment, but it felt so surreal to me.  Nothing I have experienced in my life, so far, has brought me to that point, ever.  I have been through some pretty rough s***, but nothing has hurt as much as watching my child in so much pain.  I am not entirely sure what that says about me, or the circumstances, but I AM sure I will continue to analyse it all, way more than I should.  I am still not really sure why I felt the need to share this, but, as it is always my venue of choice, to give my feelings a voice, it is where I turned.

I do feel better.  I feel like I can pull it together, and go back to being the supportive Mom of the Year.  Some of the uglies seem to have been calmed, redirected, and maybe even slain.  I think we all need to take the time required to give in to a really good cry sometimes. There’s no shame in anyone doing that, ever.  It does feel a wee bit cleansing, and with really great waterproof mascara, I don’t even have black tracks down my cheeks!  Right on!  I like that.